Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
the gays at disneyland are vicious
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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