I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Randomize
