I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
