Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
