Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
