the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
