so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Randomize
