If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
Randomize
