We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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