the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
Randomize
