You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
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