saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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