I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
