Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
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