Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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