May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
Randomize
