im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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