I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
Randomize
