Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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