I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
You know, you could always move. Lol somewhere without gators, water moccasins, and Marco Rubio.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
Randomize
