so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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