I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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