Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
