He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
