I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
