Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Randomize
