OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i wish my penis had a tongue
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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