i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
