She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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