I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
