I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
