soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
