question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
