btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
