my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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