Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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