I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
Randomize
