gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
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