Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
