a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
