i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Randomize
