you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
