I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
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