Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
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