this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
