Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
it was like eating out sand paper
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
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