How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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