the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
I just found a bag of teeth...
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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