I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
