I never want to see another naked old woman again.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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