I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
