Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Randomize
