she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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